You might need to unhinge your jaw like a python to bite this sandwich.

You might need to unhinge your jaw like a python to bite in

Droolworthy: The Machete at Machete's Mean Sandwiches

Half a pound of toppings makes it the biggest, baddest, meanest sandwich of all
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I'm a local boy to the core, but I grew up eating and learning to love sandwiches. So, when the opportunity arises to conquer a towering behemoth with so much meat that you practically need to dislocate your jaw, I jump at the chance.

Machete's Mean Sandwiches' namesake Machete ($10) is familiar, yet unlike anything I’ve had before. Let's start with the bread, baked fresh on site: Choices of white or cracked wheat are pillowy soft with thin, sweet crusts.

In between you'll find over half a pound of deli-sliced Boar’s Head turkey, ham, salami, pastrami, provolone and cheddar cheeses, and shredded lettuce, onion and tomato. A sprinkle of oregano, a schmear of mayo and a dash of vinaigrette round out the flavors. If you're wondering how this sammie got its name, it’s because you’d need a machete to cut it. 

This sandwich shop is exactly what East Coast transplants have been waiting for – these bad boys have heft. 

The leaning tower of Machete

In case this doesn't satisfy your appetite, there’s a list of “freemium” and “premium” add-ons. I add on bacon for $1, because bacon. It doesn’t add much overall except some salt to balance out the acidic vinaigrette. Next time, I'd go for avocado to experience a different texture.

The Machete is the biggest, baddest and meanest sandwich on the menu. Cut in half and wrapped in classic butcher paper, it's easily enough for two meals, but I power through and am promptly ready for nap.

Machete's Mean Sandwiches is on Kalakaua Avenue, next to Cricket and Amina Pizzeria

Parking can be a pain in this part of town near Home Bar, but this shop offers delivery via Bite Squad, which might be how I acquire my next Machete.

Machete’s Mean Sandwiches
1694 Kalakaua Ave #D 922-2467
Mon - Sat 10:30 a.m. - 9 p.m.  
Parking on site (limited), street parking behind